Faster, Higher, Stronger, More Severe

An international outcry has greeted the Olympic Committee's last-minute decision to include competitive spanking at the London Games next year. Critics have said that the controversial move clearly panders to the host nation.

José Itentso of the Spanish delegation said, "It's like a bad joke, as if bullfighting had been added as an event just before the Barcelona Olympics. It's true some of us have a little prior spanking experience, but to the British it is pretty much a national sport. Not for nothing do they call it the English vice."

Hanna Zoff of Sweden, meanwhile, said: "as one of the first countries to ban corporal punishment we have been out of practice for decades. It's simply unfair that we should have to compete against a nation of perverts."

With the committee refusing to reverse its decision, athletes across the world have had little choice but to initiate emergency training programmes. Many of these are being led by coaches specially flown in from the UK.

To find out more, we visited the newly constructed 10,000-seat 'disciplinarium' in East London to catch up with the British hopefuls as they honed their skills. We found 23-year old Londoner Willy Givin face down across teammate Helen Highwater's knee - so it fell to her to do most of the talking.

"Competitive Spanking has been a minority sport until now," explained the pretty 24-year old while dishing out blows with a small but mean-looking wooden paddle. "But its elevation to Olympic status is sure to generate a surge of interest."

So what's 'competitive' about it?

"Well, events exist for a variety of implements across two main - if you'll pardon the pun - disciplines. The first is freestyle, in which points are awarded for technique, aesthetic appeal and creativity. I think Will would agree that I do most of the work there - his main contributions are vocal reactions and facial expressions. But our real speciality is mixed doubles, where teams of different nations swap partners and compete in a simultaneous face-to-face "paddle-off". It's one of very few events where 'beating the opposition' means exactly that. A team is eliminated as soon as its spankee submits and uses the safeword, so it really is a test of both of our abilities - mine to break the will of our opponents' spankee as fast as possible, and William's to withstand punishment from their spanker until I've managed to do it. That really gets the adrenaline flowing for both of us, I can tell you!"

Asked about their background in the sport, Helen admitted that they do have something of an advantage. "As a couple, we've been enthusiastic amateurs for a number of years," she explained. "But we will of course need to up our game now that we're spanking for Britain."

Nor are the team underestimating the competition. "There are some impressive players out there," Helen told us. "I hear the Japanese spankee is a veteran of 'endurance' TV shows and has incredible staying power. And Tanya Hyde of the US is an ex-discus champion, and has a fearsome arm."

So how does Helen rate their chances next year?

"Our preparation is going well. I can now paddle at full strength for hours at a time - and that's toughened Willy's resolve, not to mention his behind, to a medal-winning degree."

"I did suggest some - ouch! - cross-training," gasped her red-faced, red-bottomed partner. "But our coach says that because the pairings in competition are F/M only, she doesn't see any benefit in Helen being on the receiving end."

"And since our coach is a former national champion herself," added Helen, "Will knows better than to argue with her."

Despite the sport's slightly saucy reputation, officials say they will be taking it very seriously in its first Olympic year. In addition to some key rules - all male competitors to be bare below the waist, and only standard Olympic-grade implements to be used - there will be random tests of spankees for banned substances including anaesthetic gels and arnica cream.

The British disciplinary duo are equally serious in their ambition to mount the podium next summer. "We're hoping it won't be just the cyclists and swimmers winning gold medals on home turf," panted Will, finally released from his partner's lap. "But we know other teams are working hard to get in shape. So we have another fourteen months of rigorous training ahead of us!"

"Speaking of which," chided his eager partner, "that's enough of a breather - we've got medals to win. Over you go!"